Strength

Strength; Is defined as 'The quality or state of being strong, in particular'

Why is it that when you need strength the most you are turned into a scared child all over again?

What is so unnerving about uncertainty that we remain in a situation knowing it is not what we want? As adults, we are told, we will be smarter but we can never find the strength to do what must be done for our happiness until we have been dredged through the mud countless times. A chance to just breathe, to live, after being torn down again and again by greediness and a complete disregard for my feelings. Am I asking for too much to save my sanity?

Holding on to something to ensure that my son is always happy. Have I forgotten that if I am not happy, he won't be either one day? He needs to see his mother happy and healthy. It is not fair to him that he sees my tears at times. He continuously tells me that he will always be here for me. Asks me to not cry. Asks me if I love him. I have to reassure my 5 year old about my feelings for him because he can sense the pain I am in. I'm not sure what my next move should be. Do I take the road that will lead to pain and confusion for others but set me free? Do I maintain hopeful that I can move on, knowing that my faith grows dimmer by the second.

When did I become an enabler? How did I allow myself to come this far and start losing myself in the process of trying to keep someone else happy? Always snapping at someone, can't sleep, headaches everyday...am I killing myself slowly by allowing this to continue? If I am seeing this now, can I change it? Where is my strength when I need it? I truly do hope it will all work itself out someday...


The time is now for strength and I can find not one ounce of it.